What`s in a name?

(submitted by Alex)

Business cards usually show a person’s name and profession, sometimes with letters indicating qualifications obtained by hard graft in their younger years. Also, similar details are often shown in the telephone book as a way of advertising or distinguishing yourself from the hundred other Smiths, Muellers or Meiers to be found there.

In our local phone book you will find someone listing his profession as “Philosopher”. I know this chap and find he is a pleasant enough person to talk to. However, I am not very happy about his qualification as a “Philosopher”, because he conferred this title upon himself. He is in fact a retired laboratory technician, hardly the background training you would expect of someone with such an eminent title – or am I just being snobbish?

Lets hope that the title “Brain surgeon” for example, is protected in some way. Not that I’m queuing up for such assistance, but it would be nice to know that If I did want help of that kind, then the person involved hadn’t bought a certificate in Nigeria or Baluchistan to qualify for the right to poke around up there. In fact you don’t have to deal with such questionable countries when you can obtain a Bachelors or Masters degree, or a Doctorate for that matter, within 24 hours from the USA at ww.instantdegrees.com. If you examine the fine print you will see that what is being offered as genuine is the document itself, not whether the university is an accredited institution. You can have your own thesis bound in leather with gold stamping, student name, graduation date, thesis title, and signed by at least two university supervisors. This will cost you around $1,500.-. If you are too busy to actually write something yourself, you can have this done for you by “qualified” PhD students and experts for the price of $4,500.-. Hmm.

So what this shows is that I was actually very stupid to have spent several years studying to get my academic qualifications. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and have been earning a lot of lolly at the same time. Which makes me think, I could have made life a lot easier for my kids if I’d had them christened e.g. Lord Marcus (kind of suits a pastor), Sir Gavin, a late-night sound-engineer (one of King Arthur’s (k)nights) and Lady Julia (perfect for her). This would be even cheaper than what is charged at nobility.co.uk where a lordship would cost me upwards of £1,000.

While studying in the UK, I was told that students from some countries who failed their final exams actually write BSc. (failed) on their visiting cards, as that is better than nothing at all. I sure hope the same doesn’t apply in the field of neurosurgery.

Which brings me to another phenomenon namely the names people give their children. I know one chap called Robin Banks, who was a lawyer, and a family with the surname “Cow” who named their daughters Henrietta and Marietta. Were these really the only names they could think of?

So, what can be learned from all this? Well, actually I don`t think very much, because babies don`t have business cards, seek diplomas, know what professions they will practice or for that matter care what you call them. Mrs Onestone⁽¹⁾ , for example called her son Albert, and he turned out to be so famous that nobody even thinks twice if his name sounds funny or not.

⁽¹⁾ Try translating back into German.